As I’m sure you’re all woefully unaware tonight marks the beginning of the English football league’s brand new, shit-smeared format for the EFL Trophy (formally the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy).
No doubt we all squealed with delight at the thought of having to pay yet another 20 odd quid to see our proud boys square off against a Norwich youth side in a match of total insignificance for a trophy of little prestige. Reality has drawn us in our ‘group’ opener against Mansfield; a match with all sorts of genuinely exciting, meaningful and passionate connotations (scabs, scabs, scabs) soiled by a trophy that has undergone such a politically and financially dubious re-brand. Naturally, we at the DRSG (as well as loads of other supporters across the country) have called for a boycott of these fixtures, for the sake of both our sanity, dignity and our bank balances.
Knowing you however, the apathetic, lonely, bored and feckless lower-league football supporter, we’re more than aware how difficult it might be to turn down the temptation of blowing a tenner on wasting a night in another shite northern cess-pit. So to counter this we’ve decided to comp together a list of suggestions for things that you could do that would definitely be more fulfilling than going to watch any EFL Trophy matches:
1.) Do the same shit you do every other night that the EFL Trophy doesn’t exist.
That’s right, you the reader being the stereotypical football supporter this means we’re suggesting you cosy in with your Iceland frozen curry, watch endless re-runs of Top Gear specials, share the shit out of Lad Bible memes and wank yourself furiously to Habbo Hotel. (Just us then?)
2.) Go and actually play some football.
That’s right, football isn’t just a sport reserved for moisturised, tattooed dickheads! You too, the urban dickhead, can enjoy a good old fashioned game of togger too. Get yourself down to the Keepmoat Stadium cages to add an extra ‘edge’ to your boycott by spending your hard earned pennies on our cash-thirsty club anyway; there’s a small chance you’ll shift a few pounds, and a large chance you’ll play better than ATS does every week.
3.) Take a maniac out for a pint
Being a Rovers fan, it’s only natural we assume you are a total social recluse with a desperate desire to have friends. Good news! Being from a town with literally nothing else to do on an evening but get shit-faced there’s a whole host of like-minded desperate souls who’ll gladly share a pint and a story about the good old days about when they got caned at school and life daan t’pit. Doncaster town centre is a real hive for these toothless, thirsty companions; why not take that scruffy bloke who’s ‘lost his key’ for a 99p J-bomb?
If you lack the motivation to actually go outside, Viking Chat’s ‘Off Topic’ section offers a similar experience to spend your night debating with pissed up, foggy old Croaks.
4.) Book yourself in for some cosmetic surgery.
If you happen to have read John Ryan’s eloquently penned auto-biography ‘Dare to Dream’ you might have noticed a few subtle, between-the-lines references to a plastic surgery company that offers to Make Yourself Amazing. If nothing else, being involved in the DRSG has taught us one thing; that being a rovers fan goes hand in hand with being physically repulsive. If you are one of the masses of cretinous monstrosities that closer resembles football catering to actual human, perhaps a little time on the surgeons table wouldn’t go amiss. A little face-lift or hair-replacement never hurt anyone (apart from actual literal pain it causes); Dean Saunders and John Ryan can testify to it themselves.
5.)Start up a Rovers based supporters group.
Allow us to assure you that being part of a supporters group for rovers fans is wholly fulfilling and not at all a fruitless procrastination from all those things you should be doing like getting better jobs, being nice to your wives or girlfriends, or coming to terms with your rampant, closeted homosexuality. A club like ours deserves at least 3 more supporters groups to palm their personal opinions off as those of the masses and to swan about the stadium with an overwhelming sense of self-importance. With the famous DRSG vs VSC spat being simmered to near luke-warm perhaps its time for a more volatile, more committed and far better looking band of idiots to set up their own group to pretend they’re making a difference with. Viva la revolution!
So there you have it! You have no excuse to be suckered into attending this frankly disgraceful fixture, when all 5 of our alternative evening plans would prove far more beneficial to your mental health, social life and in some cases physical appearance. Enjoy your night off from the relentless grind of being a disregarded football fan, and I’ll see you all on Habbo Hotel!